Thursday, January 20, 2011


I have been avoiding my blog all month. Why, you ask? Well, awhile back I posted that my goal for the new year would be to post weekly "meaty" posts, based on things that I am studying in scripture. You know, things that would lift up my readers and inspire them. Things that would be life-giving and life-changing. Really amazing things.

So during week one of January, I sat down to write the first one. And I drew a blank. I actually had a topic in mind and yet I had nothing to put down on paper... or the computer screen... or whatever. So I let it go into week 2 as a draft. At the end of week two I changed it to be an "every other Friday" post. I figured I could manage that. But during week two, it didn't get any better. In fact, it started to get worse as I made changes to it. So this week I sat down to change it yet again to a "monthly meaty post." And it seriously just all went downhill from there. The verses that I was going to use just didn't seem to be fitting together. The point that I really wanted to make just didn't seem to come across. I was at a loss for words, which is rare for me.

Wondering where I had gone wrong, I looked back over the last year and the few "meaty" posts that I did manage to write and I realized something. All of those posts were unplanned, somewhat spontaneous, and truly flowed from the heart. It was as if God was making my fingers dance across the keyboard and when I was finished, I was a little bit impressed with the outcome if I do say so myself. When I sat down and planned, however, I felt a bit boxed in. What I was planning to post on did not necessarily coincide with what I am currently reading, and I think what I am currently reading is the stuff that's truly speaking to me right now. And so that's what should be speaking to you, my readers, through me if I can manage to get it out. So I've decided to give myself a bit of a break. Yes, I did commit to one a week, but I'm thinking that if I end the year at an average of one a month it will be pretty darn sufficient. And I say that as a low-ball estimate considering that the more I read and "feed" myself with God's word, the more I will have those inspired moments when words flow out of me. And so twelve this year doesn't sound difficult at all... and I think I'll do more. They won't come on a certain day of the week or a day of the month, but they will be posted as they come to me. I know that this entire blog-hiatus and lack of a once-a-week "meaty" post did not need an explanation from me, but I think I needed the explanation for myself. So that I can get back to posting regularly about the not-so-meaty things in my life, since that's what my days are filled with. Ninety percent of my day is spent sitting on the floor that needs to be vacuumed, in my sweats, playing with my son. Or watching Barney. Or being pooped on... you know how it goes. So I think it's okay if ninety percent of my posting at this season of my life is related to that.

Motherhood is strange. I've been in it now for ten months, but I still seem to forget to give myself a little bit of a break. I think us moms are too hard on ourselves sometimes. I think that on some days all we can see is a dirty house, piles of laundry, a face without make-up and hair that needs to be brushed, and a blank screen in the place of a thought-provoking, majorly deep Bible study. But at the end of the day when I can finally look beyond all of that, I see a big grin with seven little teeth smiling back at me. I hear the sound of his laughter that makes me so happy it practically makes me rise off the floor. I watch as a little boy looks under furniture because he just figured out that his toy did not just disappear but actually went somewhere. I see these little, miniscule changes that I might have otherwise missed if I had been worrying about all of those other things. And even without being divinely inspired, it is in those moments that I really get a glimpse of God. I am not sure how anyone can become a mother and not believe in Him. I have the privilege of witnessing a miracle every single day, and I would not want it any other way, even if that meant looking a little more put together. So being a mom comes first right now, and eventually, at least twelve times this year, I will squeeze in some time to be the divinely inspired creative writer that I know God can make me, if I just make a little time for that, too.

In the meantime, I am going to leave the idea of a weekly message to my husband. There is definitely a reason that he is a preacher and I am not, because I have a whole new respect for the amount of time it takes to put together a message. This whole experiences just makes me love him even more.

Phew... I am sure glad I got all of this out there and off my chest. Up next? Expect some sort of fluffy post about how my ten-month-old son is the smartest, most amazing, genius baby on the planet. Isn't that what us moms like writing about best anyway?

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