Never Forget

This day makes my heart hurt every year. Everyone who witnessed 9/11 unfold remembers exactly where they were; everyone has their story. No matter who you are or where you were, shock, sadness, frustration, horror, and questions of "why?" filled your heavy heart. Even today, I cannot understand the actions of men, the lack of value for human life, and the level of hatred that brought these attacks on our great nation.

Today, our country faces another scary time, and I don't think the timing is just a mere coincidence. With big decisions being made as we all look back, it's important to remember the effects of war, the sacrifices of men, and the strength of this country and it's people. What I remember the most was the patriotism that immediately followed in the weeks to come- flags flying on cars, from bridges, on top of construction cranes, and a sense that we cannot be broken. As we face uncertain times, this is the reminder we need... the reminder that there is more good in this world than bad, that we will carry on and move forward, and that we love our country, no matter what it is we're going through. 

You may disagree with the government, and maybe you didn't vote for the current president, but one thing is certain: ALL of us can pray. Looking back on my own life, when everything seems ever-changing and chaotic, God has been my constant, and prayer has been powerful. Ranting on Facebook does nothing but divide and cause debate, but prayer can unite and move mountains. As we reflect on the events of this day twelve years ago, join me in praying for a brighter future, for peace in the Middle East, for the decisions that our government is facing (because seriously... would you want to be in their shoes?), and that our children never have to experience or witness such horrific events. As One Nation Under God, it's something everyone can do to help!

And a special thanks to all who have served or our serving to protect our American freedoms everyday. The fact that I can even post this and publish it onto the Internet without fear for my life is because of what you do everyday. We are tremendously blessed by all of you.

Pastors' Wives Uncensored - Week 3

Hi all! Instead of having a guest blogger today, you are going to be stuck with me for this week's edition of "Uncensored," whether you like it or not! I knew that I would add my post in at some point, and this week provided a perfect opportunity since I recently got some new found free time, and also because I was greatly reminded of why this role has more blessings than burdens. For those of you who don't know our full story, here's the condensed version... Josh and I met in South Florida while he served as a youth pastor at a church in Fort Lauderdale. After meeting and deciding that South Florida was not a fit for us (nor was being a youth pastor), we moved to northwest Illinois where he was the planting pastor of a satellite campus of a larger church. He had already told me at this point that he wanted to plant a church and since I didn't really know what that meant, it scared me to pieces. The campus pastor experience was what we like to call "church planting on training wheels" as we had the opportunity to start something with the safety net and backing of a larger church supporting us. It was about a year and a half later that we decided to start praying about the church that we would plant somewhere someday and only six months after that when we felt like it was time. Having only visited Lexington, KY a few times to visit my sister and her family, there was something that stirred in both of us that made us want to call the Bluegrass State home. In June 2011 we moved to Lexington to start meeting people and sharing the vision of our church and TurningPoint Church was born on February 12, 2012. We are currently seeing around 500 people come through our doors each weekend, lives being changed, and God move in big ways. It's been an adventure, and I know that the best is still yet to come.

So backing up a little, let me first say that I never thought that I would be a pastor's wife. I know I've shared this before, but I did try to say "no" to our first date because Josh was in ministry. When we met, I was a bit of a party girl and church was not exactly on my list of priorities. But he was persistent (as those of you who know him can attest to) and so I changed my mind and gave him a chance. It did not take long to realize that this was something special and after only 6 weeks (yes, 6!) he proposed and I said "yes." We got married 10 months later and immediately moved to Illinois to be campus pastors. Notice I say campus pastorS, plural. In his mind, this was something that we would do together, and in my mind, this was totally HIS thing and my role was to be a perfect little housewife, work my 9-5 job from home, and help out with the church here and there when needed. Every time he asked for my help I would inwardly complain that he never helped me with MY job, and the church was HIS job, so why should I have to help him?  I was constantly frustrated because he was working all the time and he was constantly frustrated because if I would've just offered to help and taken some easy (mostly administrative) things off of his plate, he could have spent more time at home. This frustration was alleviated a little when Jake was born as all of my time was spent caring for the sweetest face on the planet, but even with 12 weeks of maternity leave, I did not really "get in the game." You could find me at church on Sundays and I reluctantly went to small group once a week, but there was no real buy-in. Church was still something I "had to" do. 

It wasn't until we decided to move to Lexington that church became something that I "wanted" to do. I think in many ways it was less ministry to me and more planning and creating, which works well with my gift set. I was an event planner for a long time, so this role was more in my wheel house. We had Lilly during this time and I felt like a constant failure. Instead of Lilly being an excuse not to help, she was a new addition that was keeping me from helping out more. As a disclaimer, I never resented her and think I enjoyed her as a newborn than I even did with Jake, mainly because those "new mom" worries weren't there. With an 18-month old, a newborn, and a church in the planning phases, however, I did feel a bit run ragged. Instead of being frustrated that Josh worked all the time, I actually encouraged him to work more. We had decided that we wanted to do this while the kids were young so that they'd never remember dad missing dinner or working all the time because we wanted to build a place that they would always love and never feel like they were competing with. So when I went to my sister's house for dinner or ran to get groceries, I felt like one big, hot mess. Chances were, I hadn't showered that day, Jake was throwing a tantrum over something or another (he hit the "terrible two's" right around the time that Lilly came along) and I was lugging around the big bucket seat, probably slamming it into things while trying to calm down our son. They were probably imagined, and my sister has since assured me that I did not seem to be a complete disaster, but I felt like I just got those "pity-stares" from people wherever I went. I think I so desperately wanted to appear like I had it all together because I never wanted people to wonder why my husband was not helping more, especially since I was the one who continued to encourage him to have more meetings, meet more people, and get our church up and running. It was exhausting, yes, but I have no regrets about that. And when Josh was home, he would do double duty, trying to serve me well and spend as much time as he could playing on the floor with the kids, doing bath time and bed time duty, reading books, and just loving on them. I honestly don't know how he managed it all, but we had known that we would have this "busy" season when they were young, so that we could have more time to make memories with them when they would actually be old enough to make memories.

The church started around the same time that I went back to work. Managing two kids, my full-time job, and running the kids' ministry was a huge undertaking, but I feel like even though we were running around like crazy people, we figured out how to sustain that pace, at least for a short while. At this point we were running a sprint, and ministry is a marathon. Thankfully when I was about to burn out someone came along who was a good fit to take over the kids' ministry and things balanced out a little bit more. I took a break from serving all together, and a couple of months later I decided to just volunteer in the toddler room at one service and as a greeter at another in an effort to find my "sweet spot," which we're still figuring out (but honing in on by the way). 

Two weeks ago I went to the ARC Conference with Josh where we heard some of the greatest speakers in ministry teach on church planting, leadership, and ministry. On our long drive home we talked about what role I would have in our church in the future and how we can start preparing for that now. It was decided that I was going to take some time to learn all areas of ministry, so that I could see the nuts and bolts of the entire organization so that I would have a great base knowledge when that time came. The conference really had an impact on me, where I moved well past the "have to" do church, and the "want to" did not just turn into "get to" but "need to." I saw our city in a whole new light, watched the news and saw the darkness of our world and clung to the knowledge that Jesus and His love is the hope for this world. I left there needing to dive in, needing to help, needing to serve alongside my husband, maybe not as a lead pastor, but in a capacity that fits what I was made to do. We always teach "you were created on purpose and for a purpose," but until that ride home, they were just words that we say and they didn't apply for me. It was on that drive home that I realized that God has a mission for me, a purpose that He has set me apart to do, and I need to seek Him and listen so that I can fulfill that calling. I will be honest and say that I'm not entirely sure what it is yet, but I do know that it's time to "get in the game." I need to be a bigger part of His church.

If anything, me losing my job this week was confirmation of that. I don't feel like I was "let go" from my job, but rather "released." Whenever anything is released, the animal, person, or whatever generally charges out of there, ready to conquer whatever is next. It's only been three days and I'm still not sure what this all means for me or for our family, but I do know that God has closed that door so that I can shift my focus to some things that He's been calling me to do. I still may work, we just don't know, but this in-between time is being used to restore my spirit, quiet my mind, and prepare my heart for whatever is to come next. I've never been more excited, which seems like an odd reaction to a lay-off.

So here is what I will say about being married to ministry... it's hard sometimes, really hard. In fact, there are days that my husband comes home feeling like he was the community garbage dump as people pour out their problems to him. Don't get me wrong, that is his heart and what he's there for, truly to be a pastor to those who need him, but it can be draining at times. Then he comes home weary to a wife and kids who need him, and on some days he's just spent. When frustration wells up in me, my biggest struggle is with guilt. My husband is tired from doing ministry, from building the kingdom, and who am I to get frustrated with that when I see how important this mission is? I should be honored to be a part of this and yet, sometimes I just want him all to myself! And then I remember that God values our marriage, too, and that guilt goes away, and I know it's okay to want him all to myself sometimes. It took awhile, but we've found our rhythm and hit our stride, and do more together than we do apart. I say this now knowing that in a month we will have to readjust to find the rhythm again as it is ever-changing as our church grows, and hopefully always will be. 

The question I get the most is, "isn't it hard having everyone in your business?" and to that I say, "absolutely not." As much as Facebook sometimes annoys me, it's a great way for us to connect to our church family and let them into ours. This blog is another place for me to do that, to share our hearts and our happenings. If we truly are a family, then we have to put ourselves out there sometimes. Granted, we have our boundaries and family rules such as when we will and will not take phone calls, visitors, etc., but it's only by letting people in that you let love in. Yes, it can be hard and yes, we have been burned by this before. There are people (although it's few and far between) that try to use our friendship for their own agenda or have some misguided intentions, but the blessings FAR outweigh the hurts. I think back to Jake's baby shower in that small town in Illinois. I kid you not, over fifty people showed up! It was crazy! And all of them just wanted to celebrate our joy with us! And then when I was hospitalized with a blood clot, which was a super scary and uncertain time for our family, they came in droves to support us. We have been given gift cards and free babysitting by families who want to see our marriage remain healthy and do that as a token of their appreciation. When we have happy news, everyone shares the joy with us, and when times are tough, we divide the hurt. I was compelled to throw my "Uncensored" post in this week because I am in awe of the love that our church family has shown us this past week, and not just our TurningPoint family, but those from our previous church and several friends from other ARC churches. God loves us so much that He doesn't want us to do this alone, and the supportive texts, calls, and emails have healed a broken heart. How can I sit here and have a pity party when God has used this to bring people closer together? I will take my chances on opening up on others and take the occasional hurt from that in order to have this abundance of love, support, and friendship in my life. If you don't have that, I encourage you to go out and find that church family... and don't stop looking until you find the right fit. And don't just stop there... after that step outside of your comfort zone and join a small group, which is where I feel like real relationships and deeper friendships truly happen. And even though that seems like a lot, roll up your sleeves and really get in the game, serving in an area that helps build the kingdom. God loves to grow His family, and His family is such a wonderful thing to be a part of, so don't miss out on being a part of that. Get in the game, let yourself open up, and I promise you, putting yourself out there can be the start of some wonderful changes in your life.

Thanks for letting me open up to you... especially when my posts get this lengthy (which is rare). And thank you for loving our family they way you do. Being married to ministry is truly one of the greatest gifts God has ever given to me, and I can't wait to see how He uses us next!

PS - Can you tell that writing is therapeutic for me?!?!?

An Unwelcome Visitor

If you've wondered what we've been up to these last couple of weeks, wonder no more. The stomach flu hit this family hard... and stayed well past its welcome! Starting two Thursdays ago (March 7th) with this little bug getting sick:

Followed by this one getting sick two days later:

Which resulted in a whole lot of doing this:

 I cannot tell you how many episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse we have watched in the past two weeks, how much laundry was done, how many baths were given, or how few nights of sleep we got. Every time we thought we had it licked it would rear its ugly head, all the way up to yesterday morning when Lilly woke up sick (again!). Ugh. I think it was just her system readjusting to normalcy though since she hasn't acted remotely sick since last Thursday (a week after it started) and neither one of them have had a fever since last Tuesday. Fingers crossed, but I think we're finally in the clear.

No matter how much I hate seeing my babies sick, I think every parent would agree that the extra cuddles, especially from a non-cuddly kid are always a welcome surprise.

So I'm sorry if I haven't returned phone calls or emailed, but I was up to my elbows in bodily fluids... nice, huh? Thankfully we were all clear to celebrate this guy's birthday this past weekend and saw lots of smiles again.

The flu is one guest that we do not want to welcome back any time in the near future. If you've experienced it this season, then my heart goes out to you... it's a brutal virus this year and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Please say a prayer for my sisters and their families as it seems to be taking them out one by one, hopefully not from being around us! Now if this crazy weather would just finally turn warm rather than changing from warm to cold daily, maybe this thing would go away for good! Here's to hoping!

Hope you had a great weekend!  Happy Monday!

Prayers for a Friend...

I am a blog stalker.  I love to click on blog titles on the sidebar of my friends' blogs and see what their friends and acquaintances are up to and I feel like I'm not the only one.  So if any of you have ever stalked my blogs, you might have wondered why there are no posts on m + j = love after her last pregnancy update.  Surely you would have been expecting baby pictures and a birth story by now.  So in an effort to update you, I will let you know that her sweet baby boy, Tyson, was born on August 17th, but had breathing and heart problems shortly after.  For the past two months he has already undergone two heart surgeries and has been hooked to machines, one of which actually circulated his blood for him for awhile!  Meg and Justin have been spending as much time with him as possible at Vanderbilt's pediatric ICU and have been very close to losing him on more than one occasion.  The little sweet pea needs our prayers.

Motherhood really messes us women up, mostly in good ways, but in so many other ways, too.  Before having children, I probably would have read Meg's story and been very sad and concerned about it, but I doubt I would have checked Facebook multiple times everyday to see how he's doing (which, if you are interested, can be found at Help Tyson Fight on Facebook).  I probably would have said a prayer or two every once in awhile, but would not have found myself in tears when I pray for their little family, as well as the other families that are going through similar situations.  Before having children of my own, I would have been worried about Tyson's progress, but would have given little thought to how difficult this must be for Meg and her husband, Justin.  Meg has only held her son on a few occasions, and that thought alone makes my heart ache in big ways.  I honestly feel like their presence with him probably does just as much, if not more, than all of those doctors, machines, and procedures combined.

As for Meg and Justin, they are handling this with grace and courage, taking it one day at a time.  Their posts and updates remain as optimistic as possible, even though I know that this has to be the hardest thing they've ever experienced, and it's not like it was by choice.  I know that as parents, we'd all do the same, handling it the best way that we know how.  I know that when Jake just has a head cold, I feel absolutely helpless, so I cannot imagine how much harder their days must be, which is why I pray.  When a situation seems helpless, that is the time when prayer is needed the most, and I decided to share their story in order to have more people praying for them.  I want nothing more than to see them finally take Tyson home, and he has sure put up a fight thus far!  So please join me in praying, whether it be just once or everyday, for Meg, Justin, and baby Tyson.  And if you're reading this and have little ones (or big ones) of your own, make sure you thank your Heavenly Father for those precious gifts.  And hopefully one day soon you will click on my blog and notice that m + j = love has jumped to the top of my blog roll, filled with happy pictures and updates of a healthy baby Tyson.  Wouldn't that be awesome?  If you ask me, that's a prayer worth saying!

Thanks for reading... as a blogger I can get caught up with updates about my own life and family, but I am glad I can use it today to help a friend instead.