My dearest Annabelle,

Hi my love. We are now within two weeks of finally meeting you and seeing your face, and it's an understatement to say that we are all excited. The wait has seemed so long this time around, and your brother and sister have been as patient as they know to be, but ask me daily when you'll be here. They have spent the past nine months rubbing on this belly of mine, kissing it, talking to it, and Lilly enjoys "reading" stories to you each night before bed. We have prayed for you, felt you flip around in there, and enjoyed every little ultrasound picture we've been able to see so far. You, my dear, are already so very loved. I'm trying to be patient and truly soak in these last days of having you all to myself, but even I am growing a little impatient. From the start you have made things a wee bit more uncomfortable than either of the other two did, and you're definitely making yourself known to me these days! Granted, I am still chasing around your siblings, which I did not have to do as much when I was carrying them, and they don't seem to slow down much for me. The three of you are definitely wearing me out these days, but you are all going to have so much fun together! I cannot believe how lucky I am to get to be the mommy of these three special people. God is so good to us.

Before you get here, I just wanted to make sure you know how much love is waiting for you once you decide to make your entrance into this world. You daddy and I talk about you all the time, and there is an entire church full of people asking when you're going to be here! Kiddo, never doubt that God has big plans for you, as He has already surrounded you with amazing people who look forward to being a part of your life. He knew you long before we did, and picked you out especially for us. I'm going to go ahead and warn you that we're not perfect, and we're going to mess up sometimes. Mommy's fuse gets a little short when i am really tired, sometimes I forget that playing on the floor with you is far more important than cleaning up the mess in the kitchen, and on occasion I place blame on one of you before I know the full story, but I'm working on it. Just know that no matter what mistakes I make and no matter how good or bad our day goes, I will always love you, always be here for you, and will always feel blessed that I can call you mine. I will do all that I can to help shape you into the girl (and eventually woman) that God has created you to be, and do all that I can to make sure you go after your big, scary dreams. I already know that you are special. You are valuable. You have talents beyond our wildest dreams. The anticipation of your arrival is hard, but I know that you are worth it.

We can't wait to have you in our arms, but I know the waiting (and discomfort, exhaustion, and all of the impending labor pain) is worth it. Brace yourself to be smothered in love... you have stolen our hearts already.

See you soon, baby girl.
xoxo, Mommy (and very anxious family)

Excuses, Excuses

Recently I discovered that I have a serious condition that I need to find the cure for. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of this, and I'm sure it's not that rare, but it's some sort of ailment that causes me to make excuses. Excusititis maybe? And while I've noticed its symptoms for awhile now, I came to my full-blown diagnosis this past week. Because the thing is, we had about a foot of snow on the ground (which is A LOT around here!) and literally could not leave our house and therefore had absolutely nothing on our schedule, and my brain kept telling me things like this:

• I should probably start posting on my blog again, but I don't have time. I mean, I have to watch the latest episode of Nashville.
• Sure, I bought those apples to snack on, but it's cold and I need comfort food. What's one more cookie anyway?
• The kids are eating a bowl of ice cream so why shouldn't I? I'll eat healthy when it's not a snow day.
• I am at least wearing my workout clothes and I pulled up the video on YouTube, so that counts for something, right? I mean, once I stopped to go help my child find his sock, it was much too inconvenient to finish that video. Surely 6 minutes was enough anyway.
• We can't go anywhere this week so I literally have ALL DAY to find a chance to do my daily Bible reading. 
• I could set my alarm and get up before the kids to get things done, but it's not like I have to be anywhere. Neither do they. We'll just catch up on sleep this week.
• Why should I watch what I eat?... I mean, I am 26 weeks pregnant (and have already gained almost as much weight as I did with Jake in my entire pregnancy!)
• Yes, children, I could play with you, but let me just finish scrolling my Instagram feed. Someone might have posted a new picture in the last seven minutes.

The list goes on and on. If anything, this past week should have been filled with all kinds of productivity! For the amount of time that I spent on Facebook, I probably could have written an actual book! And when I look back on the past seven days, I literally could not tell you a single accomplishment. Not one. We ate A LOT of frozen pizza (among other junk), so I can't even pat myself on the back for getting a home-cooked meal on the table. And I probably broke some sort of record for sitting the couch. To be honest, I'm a little appalled at myself.

But here's the thing that I think we all forget sometimes. This pattern that I've let myself get into, it's just a series of choices. And to clarify, it's a series of making the easy choices, rather than the fruitful ones. Because even though it's the easy choice at the time (like choosing a movie over an exercise video), they are not the choices that make me feel good or benefit me in the long-run. One week later and I feel lazier, more sluggish, definitely heavier, and my brain is crying out for some sort of intelligent activity! Once I slack off in one area, it's so much easier to slack off in others! At the end of this week I should have looked back and seen that I am all caught up on my Bible-in-a-year plan. I should have blogged everyday. My house should sparkle. The numbers on my scale should have at least stayed put if not gone down. I should be exhausted from all of the intentional time I spent with my kiddos. 

But those choices are harder... because they take work. But the older I get, the more I realize that the work is what makes it all worthwhile. It's what makes me a happier, healthier version of myself. It's what motivates me to do even better the next day. It's the most rewarding part of my life.

I'm not sure what inspired me to throw this out here on the good ol' blog, but I felt that I needed to make a confession, to get it out there, and maybe give myself a little accountability. I want to finish strong. I want to make each day count, and I definitely want to reap the rewards of making the hard choices. My husband often advises me to ask the question, "what do I want vs. what do I want right now?" Right now I want to go watch a movie in bed. But in life I want to be wiser, filled with God's Word, a woman of worth, someone who can counsel others and lead my children well. I want to be a healthy and fit, so that I can be here for a long time. I want to hear from God, but in order to do that I need to be talking to Him and pursuing Him on a regular basis. I want to be a spiritual partner for my husband, so that I can better encourage and support Him. Focusing on this list is the only thing that will cure me. So right now, to be honest, I really want a bowl of ice cream and to curl up in my bed with Netflix on the iPad, but I think I'll start tonight by choosing a cup of tea and by Bible. One choice at a time, one day at a time, choosing what I want in the long-run... I think I might just be able to kick this after all.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." [Galatians 6:9]

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." [Hebrews 12:11]

My Homeschooling How To's... So Far

I am surprised by the number of people who are eager to chat my ear off and ask me questions whenever they find out that I've been homeschooling my pre-schoolers this year. Actually, I'm even more surprised that it ever comes up in conversation considering that I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that I'm one of "those" moms. I actually laughed at myself today when I found myself suggesting the use of coconut oil as body lotion, which made me joke that I am just a chicken-coop away from being a total hippie, holistic, stereotypical homeschool mom! And please don't take offense to that... I think homeschooling has gotten a bad rap in the past and now I know TONS of women who do it (including myself) who are some of the coolest ladies around. And also, don't take offense if you use all-natural everything and/or have chickens because I totally respect that. I just decided that I'd rather have a neighbor with chickens than have my own chickens... but that's just me.

And I'm now waaaaayyyy off track from where I was going.  Sorry.

Anyway, as I was saying, I actually feel quite silly dishing out advice to others when I have only been doing this myself for one semester. And I have to say, passing that milestone felt great! But if I did have any tips or tricks to share, here they are... based on what we've accomplished so far:

one.

Homeschooling is not nearly as scary or intimidating as you think it is. Trust me, the number one reason I never thought I'd do this is because the opinions vary so greatly, and the information out there is endless. Seriously, Google "homeschooling" and you could drown in a sea of a million articles. My advice would be to find someone who you love and trust, and who (in your opinion) is doing it well. For example, I have a friend in the church who has homeschooled all three of her kids from the start, and now the oldest is a junior in high school and the youngest is in elementary. But let me say that they are the three sweetest, kindest, most polite and respectful children I've maybe ever been around. They love Jesus and live it out, and the oldest as a junior, just scored very high on her ACT's, so her education is not lacking. The end-result to me looks something like these kids, so she was my go-to. She gave me lots of great information, ideas, but mostly encouragement. She made a very deep pool seem like it had a shallow-end where I could dip my toes in and get my feet wet. And ultimately, she was the one who told me I could do this and not go crazy. Six months into and thanks to some of her beginning in formation, I have a better understanding of all of the information I can find on the web, so I can better navigate that now as well. I'd say continue to do your research and stay informed, but having a mentor-type person to start makes a huge difference!

two.

If you can find a friend to do this alongside of you, partner up! My number one fear was my sometimes lack of self-discipline getting the best of me. I was afraid that I would let the distractions of keeping up a home (or let's be honest... the distractions of things like Netflix) get the best of me, and we'd all sit around in pj's until Daddy got home from work. It was not a pretty picture of my future. I actually loved taking the kids to pre-school because I had somewhere I had to be, at a certain time, and the kids had to be fed and dressed before then. I need that kind of accountability. Lucky for me, I knew a friend who has kids the same ages of mine who was contemplating the same thing. We had a few "what-if we did this" conversations, prayed a lot about it, and decided to tackle it together. Now I have somewhere to be, on time, four days a week, and my kids have to be fed and dressed before we get there. So do hers... so it works wonders.

Partnering also divides the work-load. Everyone does it differently, but for us we take turns preparing and teaching the lessons every other week. We both stick to the same curriculum, but one week I'll primarily do all of the teaching while she is more of an aide, and then the next week we swap. The really great part about this is that our teaching styles are a little bit different, so the kids get variety. I also tend to be a little more craft and art-heavy (which is ironic since I'm not very crafty) and she tends to incorporate a wider variety of worksheet activities and more books (which the kids love). I will go ahead and say that preparing for a week's worth of pre-school material is time-consuming, so I am thankful that I have this extra week between to prepare. I'm afraid that I would fall behind if I had to do it everyday, every week. On our "off" weeks, or really, just the week when we are not teaching, we make all of the lunches, so we also buy all of the food for that week. I think it's actually one of my favorite things we do because instead of searching my kitchen at the last minute and ultimately feeding my kids hot dogs, chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, or whatever I can find at that moment, OR asking THEM what they want for lunch (which is a power issue... and another topic altogether), they eat what they are served, and this usually includes a healthy balance of fruits and veggies, as well as some sort of meat or sandwich. And yes, some days they still do get a more typical kid lunch, but it's fewer and farther between when life gets really busy. 

And the best part about partnering? I have another adult to talk to everyday. As a stay-at-home-mom, you have no idea how refreshing that is! We can celebrate our good days together and lament about our bad ones together, and ultimately encourage each other to keep on going when a week gets rough. I could not be more thankful for that.

three.

Find a schedule that works. When we first sat down to plan out our year, we were fully prepared to do a trial run of sorts and then make changes if needed. My friend's son sleeps in (lucky her!) and before I was pregnant (and before it was in the teens every night!) I usually worked out in the mornings, so we opted for a later start time of 10:30am. We schedule out a block for circle time, morning activities/school work, play time, lunch time, afternoon activities/school work, end-of-the-day circle time, and more play time when the work is all done. We were lucky that the schedule we mapped out in the beginning has worked, but that never means that it's permanent and we will make changes if we need to in the future.

four.

Be flexible. Isn't this one of the main appeals of homeschooling in the first place!? For our family, a major reason we even considered homeschool is because of our hectic schedule and lack of weekend time together. The great part about teaching my children at home as opposed to sending them to a school is that I am aware of what that schedule looks like, when they were up super-late by no fault of their own, or when they are run-down from a jam-packed weekend. When they are acting out or can't focus, I know that some of it isn't their fault, whereas a teacher would have no clue as to whether or not my child was extra tired or did not sleep well the night before. There are days that we fly through everything we have planned with no problems, and days that we just completely punt. It's rare, but it's nice to have that option. There's no point in forcing lessons on kids who aren't in the right mind-set to learn and absorb and it will end up being more of a fight than it's worth. And tomorrow is a new (and hopefully better) day!

five.

Use resources, but don't compare. There is so much good stuff out there... great curriculums, amazing ideas, printable worksheets, creative craft ideas... you name it! Because of this, I actually broke down and subscribed to Pinterest (which many of you know my feelings about!) and I do pretty much only use it for school stuff. Pretty much. With all that is out there, as long as you have a framework, you can find virtually everything you need to teach, and most of it is free! So instead of reinventing the wheel, just use what others have already made and/or done and take the pressure off! But with this comes a word of warning- don't be surprised when your crafts and activities don't go exactly as planned. We rarely have that picture-perfect craft at the end of the day, and I sometimes get frustrated that what was going to happen in my head did not happen in reality. You win some, you lose some... that's really all there is to it.

And finally...

Remember that these are the days, and they're going to go by fast. When I get frustrated that my son wants to speed through his worksheet so he can draw Angry Birds on the back, or when my daughter refuses help with the scissors and pretty much mutilates her assignment, I take a deep breath and remember that someday I am going to appreciate that little imperfect mess of a project. Some day, when they can read and write and stay in the lines, I am going to miss those messy little names written with letters the wrong way. No matter how frustrated I get, or how stressful a day becomes, I remind myself that when they are grown, I will never look back on this time and regret spending these hours with them. They are mine, and they're only mine for a short time in the grand scheme of things, and I am so blessed to have these extra days with them when they could be in school in someone else's care. On the days that I wish I could just go kid-free to the grocery store or pamper myself with a pedicure, I realize that I'll have plenty of time for that later in life, when they are older and have activities that don't include me. But this time, when they're little and innocent and say and do the funniest things, I can never get that back once they're grown, and I'm trying my best to cherish it everyday. I am thankful that they are home this year. I still believe that we'll take it year-by-year and make the best decision for our family each year as it comes, but for now, I'll soak it up, knowing that someday these days will be a very special, fond memory.

Per A Friend's Request: Baby #3 Prego Post

Poor baby #3... he or she just gets overlooked from the start, right? Although not entirely I guess since this child had the coolest reveal out of all of them, but there is no week-by-week documentation or anything fun like that. It's just old hat by now (and I've never used that expression and probably did not use it correctly!). But since one of my very few readers requested one, and since this first trimester (which is finally coming to an end... thank goodness!) has been so different from my other two pregnancies, I think it would be good to document what's been happening with the little bean. So here goes:

How far along: 11 weeks, day 5 (thanks to the handy-dandy Baby Bump app)

Boy or girl?: Not sure yet. I've been feeling boy this whole time and the whole family refers to the baby as "he." Lilly is the only one who sometimes tells us that it's a little sister, but I think it's mainly because she wants one. Jake has told us with 100% certainty that mommy is having another boy.

Total weight gain/loss: I'm really not sure because I am not for sure what I was when I started. I do know that I have gained more than I probably should have by now thanks to some weird eating habits, so I'd say in the range of 7-10 pounds. 

Maternity clothes: I have broken down already and pulled out the elastic!

Stretch marks: Nothing that wasn't there already.

Sleep: I go to bed so early these days... by about 9pm, I am DONE. I wake up a couple of times each night, but fall back asleep pretty fast.

Best moment this week: Buying a new pair of maternity jeans. Mine were quite out of style since the last time I was pregnant in the winter was in 2009/2010. Granted, I forgot how expensive those suckers are, but it feels good to have something that fits and looks cute. This in-between (is she pregnant or just gaining a lot of weight?) phase is always my least favorite.

Movement: Too soon for that of course.

Food cravings: My diet has consisted mostly of ice cream, milkshakes, cereal, and fried food (particularly French fries). So healthy I know! There were days from about week 5 go week 8 where all I would or could eat was ice cream! Not that I hated it! And occasionally I'd throw in a fast food hamburger to round out the diet. The only healthy thing has been Honeycrisp apples, and I am going to cry once they are out of season.

Food aversions: MANY. This has been the weirdest part of this pregnancy. I was never sick with the other two. Occasionally I'd get queasy if I got too hungry, but I'd have a few crackers and I'd be all set. This time around, I spent a few weeks feeling nauseous all day long... like I had the flu. I never actually got sick, but it almost felt like I'd be better off if I did! I just felt like I could at any moment... ugh. I figured out about halfway through that coffee was my main trigger (so sad I know!). And Folgers coffee, which we brew at home, in particular. So reluctantly I've cut way back, which is probably good anyway. A from about week 5-8 I couldn't even look at meat of any kind. It sounded so unappetizing! And then basically anything that wasn't in the "cravings" category was off-limits, too. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again and add different (better) foods back in.

Labor Signs: Obviously not.

Belly Button in or out? In... hopefully for awhile.

What I miss: Feeling good... haha! And my morning cup of coffee. I am able to handle a latte, but for $3-$4 a day, I usually just pass them up.

What I am looking forward to: Feeling good... are we seeing a trend here? I have some high hopes for the second trimester this time around!

Weekly Wisdom: I learned this week that I need to keep Tylenol in my purse. Twice now I've gotten a headache while we were out somewhere and everyone had Ibuprofin or Aleve or Advil, but nobody carries Tylenol it seems. So that's an easy fix.

Milestones: Getting to week 12 will be the first. And this coming Thursday we have our big ultrasound, where they check all of the organs and the overall health of this little one, so say some prayers that all looks good!

I haven't really started taking pictures all that frequently, but here's a teeny-tiny bump from week seven. I think I started taking pictures with the other two around week 12, so I should probably try and do that again with this one, just for the sake of not leaving him or her out entirely.  :)

So there you have it. I probably won't do this all that often this time around, but it is good to have it on record, so thanks for the encouragement! Here we go again!

Things I Thought I'd Never Do

As of yesterday, I have officially added "homeschooling mom" to the list of titles that I have carried in my life. And just like the "pastor's wife" title that I have carried since I said, "I do," it's one that I thought I would never, ever, in a million years, have associated with my name… not because I ever had anything against it, but rather because I've just never felt like it was for me. The conversation would come up, and I would pretend to entertain the idea, but deep down I just knew it was never going to happen. Period.

But sometimes life is funny. It wasn't until I was away from my kids this summer for almost three straight weeks (with a  tiny break in the middle there) that I continued to feel something pressed upon my heart. It was this "thing" that I just couldn't shake… like a small whisper or a nudge, and even though it was oh-so-quiet, it would wake me in my sleep and penetrate my thoughts in even the loudest room. And it was one that was telling me, for reasons that I could not understand, to at least consider keeping my little ones home this year. I disliked the voice so much that I did not even tell my husband, even though he had a major part in the process of making this decision! But I just couldn't go there… not yet.

If you're wondering why I was ever so set against this idea, I can honestly tell you that I'm not entirely sure. I will say that there is a small part of me that was looking forward to kindergarten, so that I'd have more time to pursue some other passions that I've put off for awhile and throw myself more into the work of our church. Another part of me did not want to fall into the stereotype that all pastors' families are homeschooling families. I've never had anything against any type of school, whether it be public, private, or anything else, and I have loved everything about the little preschool we've sent our kiddos to over the past two years. In regards to why one should homeschool, I've had conversations that were completely uplifting and positive and many that harbored so much animosity toward any other way of doing school that it turned me off to the idea. It can be a hot topic, that's for sure, and if you're not homeschooling, let me be the first to say that it's alright… it's not for everyone, and honestly, not everyone is in a situation where they can make it work for their current family situation.

And that's just the thing… it's YOUR family. In all the times that I spoke to anyone about it, very few people made it about US, about MY kids, and about MY family. If it's such a personal decision, I couldn't figure out why everyone kept talking about why the world ought to be doing it one way or the other, rather than applying it to the person in the conversation. And so this is my new answer, for this and just about every other decision this family  is going to make over the next seventy years:

We're just doing what's right for our family right now.

I cannot tell you how much JOY I have found in that statement, and how freeing it has truly been! Right now, in this season of our lives with Josh traveling a lot and our weekends not really being weekends, homeschool works great for us. The kids can travel with us and experience things they cannot get if they are in school, and I can stretch myself and teach them, and soak up these days while they are still little. But can I say that this will be right for my family next year? Ummm… not really. Not yet. I know some people feel like you should commit whole-heartedly, but through the years I've learned that life changes in a blink of an eye and throws surprises at you that you never saw coming. And so we learn to roll with it, adjust on the fly, and evaluate our current situation with every changing year. Take me for example: since we've been married I've worked in an office, I've worked from home full-time, I've been laid off, I've worked full-time for the church, I've worked part-time for the church, I've taken time off to just be a mom and a wife, and now there's this. Because in those times, those things worked best for my family.

So I think here's my point… whatever it is that you're fretting over right now and whatever decisions you're facing, just know that as long as you're doing what's best for YOUR family, that's the best you can do. Whether your kids are in public school, private school, charter school, or homeschool, just make sure it's the best situation for what you want your family to get out of it. Whether you breastfeed, bottle feed, or give your child goat's milk, just do what's best for your family. I moved one of my children to his crib at 5 weeks old, and my little girl slept in our bed until she was 9 months old, because at those times, those choices worked best for our family. 

So for you moms out there, stop looking left and right. Please stop doubting yourself and your instincts so much. Instead, look within your own home, evaluate everything that is happening around you, and take notice of the season of life that you're in and base your decisions on that. And know that what you decide does not have to be the way you do things forever, because I guarantee there is a curve ball coming at you that you won't see coming. And then you'll adjust.

But most importantly, never say never. This pastor's wife who home schools her kids hardly recognizes herself these days, but she's doing what's best for her family right now and it's the most rewarding feeling I've ever had.

Sidenote: our first two days of homeschool have been awesome! I do plan to share some of my thoughts and experiences on here throughout the year (considering that BOTH of my kids are napping right now, which NEVER happens anymore… hooray for this new schedule!), but can honestly say that I am blown away with how much I have loved it. And that has very little to do with homeschooling or not homeschooling, and everything to do with giving into that little whisper. Is God whispering anything to you right now? 

In These Troubled Times

I have been troubled lately. Not necessarily about things going on in my immediate surroundings, but about what’s been going on in the world. Everything from the happenings in Iraq, to Syria, to riots (whether peaceful or not), to people making a debate out of Robin Williams’ death (please just let him rest in peace and let that poor family grieve- regardless of anyone’s opinion it is still a life lost, and that is sad enough) and even a hoax about a real-life Purge (like in the movie of the same name, in which one time a year for 12 hours, people are allowed to commit any crime with no consequences… yeah, I never saw it either) that was supposed to happen in Louisville Friday night seem to plague me. I think that I am far from a gloom-and-doom person and have always done my best to have that glass-half-full attitude, but sometimes this world presses in and it feels like it’s getting darker and darker.

This morning I woke up and could not shake the feeling. I did what I do every morning… I rolled over, checked the time on my iPhone, and then checked my Facebook, my email, and my Instagram feeds. I clicked on a few articles about things going on in the world, not knowing ahead of time even if it was a valuable news source. I read some comments of statuses about some of these things, getting sucked into the comments surrounding each one. My load was even heavier, the cloud around me more stifling, and I put my feet on the floor and moseyed out to get some much needed coffee. The kids watched a cartoon and played with toys while I cleaned the house, which led me to a bill that I did not realize we had ever received in the mail (and therefore had not budgeted for) and then that oppressive cloud began to seep into my immediate situation. It wasn’t just the world anymore, it was everything.

I am not sure if others operate this way, but my self-discipline with just about anything ebbs and flows. I’m either working out all the time or not at all. I’m either shoveling every sugar-laden food into my mouth or have the world’s healthiest diet. And with my spiritual life, I’m either up every morning filling myself up with God’s word over a cup of coffee, or I am avoiding Him altogether, except to maybe mumble a prayer as I drift off to sleep.

This morning as I continued to put some things away, my books fell over right at my Jesus Calling devotional (by Sarah Young… it you don’t have it, GET IT) and my heart flipped over. Maybe it sounds silly to you, but I felt like God just gave a gentle nudge, reminding me to stop filling my head with the nonsensical opinions of others, and start refilling my heart with his everlasting promises. I went to find today’s date and the book opened right to it as it had been bookmarked by a five-dollar bill from Guatemala. Trust me when I say that I have absolutely no clue why or how that got there, or where it even came from, but again, God whispered, stop worrying about your finances… put your faith in me and I will take care of you. I always do. And then the title of today’s reading, Focusing Your Thoughts, pierced me to the core.

What have I been focusing my thoughts on lately? What have my priorities been? Whose opinions and comments have I been reading? Have they been His? Have they been any of the thoughts and opinions of His followers? It’s no wonder I found myself in this dark place… I had cut off my supply of living water and replaced it with mud. Dark, murky, thick mud that sucks you down deeper and even has the capability of pulling your shoes off.

Today if you find yourself drowning in the muddy waters around you, I want to encourage you to do as I am trying to do and review some of your habits, and take a look at what you’re putting into yourself. If your immediate tendency is to check your phone and click on every single controversial article, set some boundaries, only allowing yourself to get your news from a trusted source. Stay away from comments and formulate your own opinion about the issue without reading the array of all the others. Know what else I found while cleaning? An old-school alarm clock. If I am not self-disciplined to only check the time on my phone and use it as a clock, I am going to remove it from my bedside all together… and perhaps replace it with my daily devotional book, so that His truth can be the first thing I read each morning. Mornings can be crazy, but in the same amount of time I used to take to scroll through Facebook, I can surely open a book and get some much-needed encouragement to start my day. And when God gives you a little nudge, be thankful that He cares about us enough to remind us that no matter what is happening all around us, His love will always prevail.

Here are the verses that were included with today’s devotional… may they be a reminder to you that His truth is constant in our ever-changing world:

Fix your thoughts on what is true, honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about thigs that are excellent and worthy of praise.

-Philippians 4:8

…but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will sour on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

-Isaiah 40:31

And then one of my personal favorites:

…When my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

-Psalm 61:2

Focus your thoughts today on He who is good, purify your water, and then go shine your light and spread some love to make this world a brighter place.

Five on Good Friday

Whew… Fridays come around awfully fast! And on this Friday, let's first take a minute to remember that it is Good Friday, the day that we remember Jesus dying on the cross. I grew up remembering and honoring that every year on Good Friday, but in so many ways, I don't think I really got it. It didn't do anything to my heart, and I did not truly recognize this incredible sacrifice He made so that I could live free of all of my guilt, shame, and past (and future) sins. Even though I knew what happened on Good Friday, and even though I knew that He died for me, and even though I knew that He rose from the dead and His spirit could live within me, I carried all of that around for years. Many people have trouble with the logic, as in, did He really raise from the dead? I mean- really?? (which by the way, no remains of Jesus have every been found… and His disciples along with many of His followers were brutally martyred for sharing His story after this death and resurrection, and if they hadn't really witnessed it, I highly doubt someone, much less many someones, would die to pass along that story), but I never questioned it logically. For me, it was more of a matter of handing that guilt and shame and junk over to Him. I know it's not a physical act, but sometimes it's more comfortable to hang onto it. I mean, we deserve to have to carry that around. We deserve a life separate from God's goodness and grace. It's almost as if we can accept that Jesus died for the sins of the world, but not our sins. Nope, our sins we have to live with forever and ever.

Over the past six years, the story of Jesus on the cross has impacted me dramatically. I cannot say that it happened overnight, but over time, the head knowledge I had began to sink into my heart. I was weary from carrying around my past misdoings. I was tired of feeling like I would never get it right. In fact, I felt like I couldn't really go to church until I got my life in order… ever been there? But God is funny that way. He brought a handsome pastor into my life while I was in the midst of really trying to figure out how to get it all right. Truthfully, I tried to say no to our first date, because I knew that I was a mess, carrying around all of this junk, and since he was a pastor, he must not have any of that. God never cared that I was a mess, but He did want me to hand that mess over to Him. In fact, Josh didn't really care that I was a mess either, but He didn't want me to stay there. It's funny that logically His death and even his resurrection made sense to me; I never doubted that. But logically, accepting what He did as a gift of freedom to me, was what didn't make sense. At some point, that head knowledge just has to become heart knowledge. I came to the end of myself, threw up my hands, decided I couldn't stay where I was, and just handed it over. I handed over all that I had done wrong, all of my imperfections, all of my desires to please others, and you know what? When I got rid of that, it made so much more room in my heart for change. I had been so weighed down by it all for all those years that I didn't know how much more capacity I would have to love others if I handed that over. How much more room I'd have for compassion to set in, so I could serve others. How much more room I had for joy to appreciate the little and big things in life, so that I could bless others. And pretty much immediately, He started blessing ME for that one, simple decision. Sure, I still have my days of feeling low every now and then because I am human. Harsh words or actions still sting every now and then, and sometimes I get it wrong, hurting those I love without meaning to. But at the end of every day, I know that it's okay, He reaches down and takes that off my shoulders, He pours out fresh mercy every morning, and I get to try again the next day. Everyday I try to imitate Jesus, and everyday, at some point, I mess up. But I am so incredibly thankful, so much more joyful, and am living a life that I did not earn, nor do I deserve. And that's the whole point of the cross… it really just comes down to whether or not we allow ourselves to accept it for everything that it is.

If you are struggling with past hurts, sins, guilt, shame, and just feel bogged down by the world, I would encourage you to go to church this Easter and listen to your heart, not your head. Let the story of Easter stir your soul, and let His goodness wash over you. If you've never watched Passion of the Christ, check that out, too. It's brutal, but it makes it so real. Nobody would voluntarily go through that if it didn't matter. So this Easter, make it personal, and make it matter.

So finally, as I get to my Five this Friday, this week it's my five greatest blessings since saying "YES" to what a life with Jesus means:

(1) My faith… in good times, in bad times, it is my rock. My roots are deeply rooted in Him so that things of this world cannot rock me. God is my source of hope, strength, and courage. I would be lost without Him.

(2) This man. If I had made a list of everything I could want in a husband, He is that and more. He helped me find my way and encourages me to help others do the same. He challenges me to always be better, always find more ways to serve and bless others, and is a great father and role model. He embodies what it means to be the spiritual head of our household, and my kids are learning to be more like Jesus because they want to be more like daddy. I don't deserve Him, but again, that's how God works. He is far more than I deserve, and I hope I love him in a way that he knows that everyday. 

(3) Our two precious little ones. I always say that if you can witness the miracle of growing a baby and seeing it come into the world, I am not sure how you can doubt that God exists. It was in that moment that they came into the world that I felt the presence of God all around me. They can be a lot of handle sometimes, but they make my heart swell with more love than I thought possible. I definitely don't deserve them, but God blessed me with them anyway, and now I want to do all I can to make sure they grow up not just loving Him, but KNOWING Him. I want it to always be personal for them. These two will surely impact the world in a positive way if I can just get that right.

(4) This ministry… and others I have the privilege of being a part of. Me- a pastor's wife?? Really??? Like everything else, it doesn't make sense. I've grown in this role over time, have become comfortable with it over time, still doubt whether or not I measure up daily, but realize that it's a role that God entrusted me with, so I will do all that I can to treat it as it should be. I get a front row seat to the miracles that God pours out over our church family. I hear stories that not everyone gets to know about marriages that are restored, addictions that are broken, and past hurts that are forgiven as that baggage is handed over. It's not always the easiest role to be in, but I never underestimate what an honor it is to be chosen for it. 

(5) The relationship I have… whether it's through family, ministry, or old friends, I have more friends and people who love me in my life than I know what to do with. I have friends who are mentors, and friends who I mentor. I have friends who know all of my secrets, and friends who entrust me with theirs. Life is all about relationships, and I know without a doubt that I am surrounded by people daily who genuinely love me for me. My acceptance comes through how I please Jesus, so that my friends can come through nothing other than love. 

May the significance of Christ's death and resurrection impact you in a new, fresh way this Easter. May his grace and mercy wash over you, and the past you've been carrying around with you be stripped away so you may start anew and live in freedom. I pray that Easter is the start of a brand new day for you, or a reminder of how free you truly are now that you're living FOR Him. It sounds funny to sign off with Happy Good Friday here, as the day was anything but happy, but the joy is coming in three more days.

Happy Easter to you and your loved ones. I'll get back to my regularly-scheduled Friday Kid-Funnies next week, but this was just too big of a Friday to pass up.

Cheers to a New Year!

Happy 2014! While it is obvious that my brilliant "Twelve Days of Christmas" idea fell flat, and I haven't even posted about Christmas itself, I figured that I can just put 2013 behind me and simply look forward. I'm going to stop putting so much pressure on myself when it comes to blogging (how often, what about, etc.) and just get back to my roots… writing when I felt like it, when I found time, about what I felt like. That seemed to work once upon a time, and it actually made me like blogging! Who needs unwanted pressure anyway? Especially pressure that you're only putting on yourself?? Now that's just silly.

So anyway… 2014… a new year… a fresh start. I posted this on Facebook a couple of days ago, but want it here so I can refer back to it when I need to. Here are my hopes for this upcoming year:

In 2014 I want….

More of God and less of me.

More self-discipline and less mind-numbing distractions.

More chats with my husband and less time on Facebook.

More quality time with my kids and less time with my phone, housework, etc.

More time in the Word and less in front of the TV.

More good stuff going in and less junk and fast food.

More muscle and less fat.

More intentionality and less selfishness.

More self-discipline and less laziness.

More focus on the present and less worrying about the "what if's."

More words that speak life and less opinions that tear others down.

More enjoyment of my blessings and less thinking about my finances.

More laughter and less stress.

More encouragement to others and less judgement and criticism.

2013 was a really good one, but just like any other year, it was not without its ups and downs. I still opened my big, fat mouth when I probably shouldn't have, unintentionally hurt feelings of those I love, said that thing that would win the fight, yelled at my kids out of my frustration, questioned my decisions and opinions,  and definitely spent way too much time with my phone in front of my face when I should have been on the floor playing with my kids or spending quality time with my husband. I wasn't intentional with my time, always wondering how I got to the end of the day and did not manage to work out, cook dinner, or read my Bible, even though I did manage to peruse my newsfeed, check Instagram, and watch a rerun of Friends (or two). And I know that I will never get it all right, but I love the promise of a new year, and the fact that we can evaluate our priorities and shift our focus. And 2014 is already shaping up to be a pretty darn good one… here are some things that are already on the horizon, or in the works:

• After waiting 5 years, we are taking a much-anticipated (and promised) honeymoon in Northern California. I. CANNOT. WAIT.
• As if that's not enough, my mom is kindly generously treating me and my sisters to a week-long cruise in the Mediterranean! I'm still in shock… and totally plan on sleeping in EVERY. DAY.
• There may or may not be a marathon in the works. I think I just need to get over myself, pull the trigger and sign up already. 
• Excited to go to the ARC Conference and the GROW Conference again this year, with a few ARC trainings thrown in (I hope). 
• We're working on an opportunity for Josh to go on a mission trip to Africa this year. It's my dream mission trip, so I'm a bit jealous, but I know that my days will come, too.
• Praying about expanding our family… either the old-fashioned way or through adoption. We have no plans currently, but I know that we're moving in that direction.
• Finally selling our house in Illinois… it's under contract just waiting on approval from the bank. Honestly, my hopes are not up, but this is the furthest we've ever gotten in the process so we'll just wait and see!

Excited. Expecant. Anticipating… LOVE a new year! 

I pray abundant blessings over your 2014- may it be your best one yet! Go after that scary goal, say "yes" to something you thought you'd never do, seek God in all you do, and spend your time with those you love. I figure that if I do that first thing right (having more of God and less of me), the rest of this stuff will just fall into place. 

The Divine Root Canal - Part I

Yes, you read that right… I just used the words "divine" and "root canal" in the same sentence. This morning, I spent two and a half hours laying on my back and getting my tooth drilled to bits, and it was, in a word, divine. Well, mostly. It took a few painful pricks to get the novocaine level correct, but once that was under control it actually turned out to be a rather good experience. Aside from my jaw being cranked open (from which I am still sore) and some sounds that made the hair on my arms stand on end, I actually rather enjoyed the experience.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I had a fair amount of nitrous oxide running through my nose? Yeah, that helped. In fact, I don't think I have been that relaxed since becoming a mom… massages are great but certainly do not relax a person to that level! I had my earphones in, and worship music playing at full blast. Sure, I felt the pressure and rooting around going on in my mouth, but I closed by eyes and let my body sink into that chair… and then I just… prayed.

I think I have always been a bit of an unconventional pray-er. Like most people, I pray before meals and I pray before bed (often falling asleep in the middle), but my really good prayers are usually when I'm driving down the road, talking out loud to God as if He was in the car, or running down the road, praising Him for giving me a body that can move that way. I love to swim laps, simply because the stillness under the water takes the distractions of the world away and I feel like I can hear myself think and form my thoughts into prayer. And when my babies were newborns, it was during those wee hours of the morning when I was doing night-feeds, sleep-deprived and weary. It's these moments when I can find a little bit of isolation, quiet, peace, and stillness, that don't come around often now that I have two rambunctious children under three… and today, with the help of something very unconventional, I found my quiet, prayed a lot, and felt His presence and goodness wash over me… all during a root canal!

I think there are certain moments of clarity in a person's life, when the things that they have been internally debating get definitive answers. I can't really explain it, but today I felt it, and it's been awhile. And oddly enough, it was very much all related to this blog. Maybe you've noticed and maybe you don't care, but since last spring I haven't really posted all that much. In fact, I haven't even wanted to, and I think it's because I lost my way as to what I wanted to blog about. What started out as a blog that was primarily about the everyday going-on's of our family was slowly morphing into one that was more ministry-related. And without letting anyone know, I spent a lot of my time worrying about whether that was okay, whether people who read it would stop reading it, whether anything I wrote was any good, but mainly, whether or not I was qualified to put anything related to the Bible out on the Internet. My husband is a preacher, and a darn good one at that, and so I felt that maybe I should leave it to him. I mean, he spends far more time in the Word (as well as countless other books and references) than I do, and if I can't keep up with that pace, then quite frankly I probably shouldn't attempt to minister to anyone at all. Besides, there are thousands of wonderful blogs out there spreading God's word, so why should I bother? These bloggers are all far smarter than me, far more educated in theology, and far more consistent… I am just not cut out to be heading in that direction.

But today as I embedded myself within my cranked-up worship tunes, I was reminded of that old phrase that God does not call the equipped, but He equips the called. I distinctly realized that when my husband was called into ministry, so was I, whether I thought I was ready for it or not! Because of his position, people would be looking to me for spiritual guidance, even though I am not a Bible scholar! In fact, once I made that jump and called myself a Christian, it actually became my responsibility to spread the news of His great love, not keep it to myself! And if you're in that boat, it's actually your calling, too- "equipped" or not! 

And so it was decided… this blog will probably continue to move in that direction, having a heavier ministry focus than I ever intended, but that's just what feels right. And I'm going to stop putting so much unnecessary pressure on myself… if I post once a month or once a day, what does it matter? I just think it's important to write when something is on my heart and I feel I have something worthwhile to share (which has happened a lot lately, but yet I continued to avoid sitting down to write). I do intend to post about the kids and some fun things we do here and there, but I don't think I can avoid this responsibility any longer, and I cannot be afraid of what others think. If people stop reading, so be it. If people think I've become a "religious nut," oh well. Right now in my life I am surrounded by so many people who are hurting, so many who need prayer, so many who have struggles that are too enormous for me to even wrap my brain around, and I realize that worrying about what others think in order to keep this all to myself seems trivial and petty. I love Jesus. I love people. I love seeing the life change and blessings that I have witnessed when a person gets into a right relationship with the Creator. So if that makes me some sort of nut, I'm just going to have to be okay with it.

I guess I just wanted to give my usual (seven or so) readers some sort of fair warning that this chick is going down this road. I've decided that I'm ready to put myself out there, risking any negative feedback that may come with it. Because in the end, I think it's worth it.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest… call it free therapy if you will. And please know that I do not condone the use of laughing gas to enhance one's prayer life (or any other part of life for that matter)… it just happened to help me today under the circumstances. And seriously, I definitely do not want to try to have a root canal without it! Based on how sore my jaw is, I can only imagine what went on in there! I have a few more thoughts to share later from this dental experience, hence why this is titled "Part I," but I think this is enough crazy insight for one day. Who would have ever thought that all this (and more) could come from a root canal!?!? God really can use anything for His glory!